I’m having one of those scary neuron firing moments where I can’t stop tossing ideas around in my head about what is to become of me.
While eating a grapefruit in the kitchen and stretching my right leg on top of the counter I started to think about the decisions I’ve made lately, and what they mean for my future. Moving out of the hamline house for example. Great for school. But then I wonder, what happens when I’m done with school? Could I ever go back to a life that contained the spontaneous and overwhelming joy I felt from living there? Will I suddenly be hit with obligation to a career and forego the exhilarating feeling of not being tied down? But it feels like I can’t duck out now because I’ve been fighting, fighting, to just get through this. I’m fighting myself. I’m demanding myself to keep going because I’m so much better at giving up. And I feel like I just give up so much when things are hard. Things just get so hard though. I feel like I can vouch for that within the past 5 years of my life. Even longer than that really. So maybe its healthy for me to give up sometimes? To admit, to confess that I can’t do this. I’m just afraid to give up on the wrong things or give up too soon or give up at all. I’m afraid of making a mistake.
What if I do though? Who says I can’t try again? For some reason I don’t consider that. I gave up on hebrew last year. Not because it was hard, just because I wanted to do something else at the time that required my full attention. Now I’m taking hebrew again, and its hard to memorize and relearn so many things I once knew like the back of my hand. But I’m doing it. And I love it. So, who says I can’t come back to a figure of my life someday in the future? Revisit a work of art I once came home to everyday. Who says it can’t be taken out of its dusty covers and reinvented in my life?
Perhaps I’ll put the picture up in the kitchen when I pull it out again even though I unhinged it from the living room wall before placing it into the box.