“I want” is like my bottomless stomach.

As I wandered down the aisles of Target today, mate in hand, backpack stuffed into a shopping cart, I couldn’t help but notice almost everything. I mean, it was really hard not to. I glance at the edge of aisle four and suddenly realize I’ve been meaning to buy a thermos. Images continue to flash before my eyes reminding me that this is a temporary price cut, or that this is a great buy.

The funny thing is, one part of my brain seems to be laughing at the corporation’s plight to win me over with old tricks of the trade. Offering me various reasons concerning why I need this or why I could really use that. And the strange thing is, the other part of my brain seems to ever so gently scream, “YES YOU DO!” I’m not really sure who to listen to. I continue to stride past the portable lotion, shoes, earrings, reminding myself I can find these things at other places that offer better prices and more peace of mind regarding their backstories. However, when glancing at the hair acsessories I find my muscles cease their speed and suddenly stop. Shoot. I am a goner. My hands take over and I am now ten dollars out on hair bands. Of all things…! I reason with myself saying, “Where else are you going to buy hair bands? Yours are almost gone and you’re going to wish you would of had a backup on hand.” Me: Ok, ok, that makes sense.

I can’t help but wonder what doesn’t make sense in the eyes of an impressionable consumer. Everything is justified really. That triggers my thoughts and I roll around the idea of justification. Why am I justified in a mall, grocery store, or convenience store to buy whatever I think I need? I can’t cheat on a test because I think I need the answers to pass the class. I can’t tell someone on the bus to move over because I think I deserve their spot. And I definitely can’t ask friends or family to get the hell out of my life when I’m sick of them because I think I need someone better. I mean, I COULD, but I’m almost certain I’d end up to be quite the lonely individual.

I think about how people can walk into grocery stores and shoot anyone in sight. I wonder if perhaps they felt that they needed to do this to make a statement. I wonder if violence is caused when someone feels that they need to show someone how it feels. What they’re going through. When someone thinks they need to teach them a lesson they won’t forget. Well who’s right? I don’t know. I don’t think they do either because it seems as though retaliation only occurs in the name of justice. Well where was this justice in the first place? It seems as though it gets passed back and forth like a ball, encompassing all of the pent up rage and hurt from one person to the next–and then back again. I wonder if grocery stores and shopping malls teach us that we deserve this. Really, we need it. Therefore, anything or anyone in our way will feel our wrath if we don’t get what we want. Black friday for example seems to clearly demonstrate American consumerism at its finest and brightest. People shoving people to obtain stuff they won’t care about in a week.

Today I am thinking about how I treat people like I treat items in a store. At my disposal, acquired to my taste, refundable.

I instantly refute myself and think that I don’t act that way towards people. I’m nice, whatever. But I do. I do without thinking about it really. And I wish it without realizing I’m wishing it. Or maybe realizing what the implications of my wishes are.

I am also thinking about how I never want to use cheap fragrance laced lotion again. I washed my hands 3 times and the smell is still giving me a headache!

On a lighter note, here are a couple photos from my past week of survival. I experienced another birthday; the number has gone up yet my body appears to happily remain stagnant. Fine by me I guess. It was a great birthday though. Saw a lot of people I love and was blessed by Rudy’s consideration of details.

Also, I’m switching to my major to art, which as rendered me quite blissful, yet airy within my classes that I should probably be concerned with even though they won’t really do jack squat for my future as an artist. Perhaps physiology will inspire in depth central nervous system paintings?? Nutrition I love. Chemistry I do not. Maybe I could have made it through all of those math and science courses, however I didn’t quite know if what I wanted to do in the future made sense with what I want to do now. To summarize my feelings about the matter I say: “How can I go on an adventure when I’m not even excited to start packing?”

Studying for my first test.
I'm sure you're turning green right now. With envy of course.
Something nice to come home to.
This photo expresses my love for food and art.
I made soup!
it reminded me of a sea creature.

Joel burned me black keys. Happily listening to them and ready to crawl under and over my covers.

Published by Anna Buck

"everything was beautiful and nothing hurt."

4 thoughts on ““I want” is like my bottomless stomach.

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