It is April now and the Northern Hemisphere is slowly and somewhat begrudgingly shifting into the spring season.
The beauty of spring rests in this:
the sensation of climbing out of a tunnel in which you thought you might never see daylight at the end of and yet, somehow, after months of digging, an opening of light emerges.
Despite the Colorado sunshine paving an easier trudge through winter’s path, I am still overwhelmed as I reminisce upon the events of these past few months.
Essentially, I emerged from my tunnel, shook the snow off of me, and realized that my life had rolled into one big ball of apathy. Thus, a call to action was in place.
I ended a long-term relationship because of him (it was me, duh),
I chose negativity and gossip as a coping mechanism for feelings of inferiority in my job,
I quit my 9-5 job because “it was their fault” (it was mine, duh),
I committed to yoga long enough to graduate from a 200-hr teaching program,
I auditioned at yoga studios,
I realized that yoga is a way of living and that I have a lot of work to do,
I lived without an income for over a month,
I fought feelings of failure,
I completely forgot about important commitments I had created,
I lived through days in which I was walking on the earth’s crest
and I suffered days in which I melted into its core.
As a result of all of this, I have grown both deeply satisfied and also deeply unsatisfied with what I am doing.
What am I doing?
I am teaching yoga at two local studios, I am barista-ing, I am bar-tending, and I am receptionist-ing. The latter three jobs are in favor of supporting my desire to teach because, you know, the income is fairly nominal for that profession. However, I am finally witnessing the feeling of working towards something I care about. Even if no one shows up to my class and even if I completely go blank when I’m half-way through teaching my students. And I like the service industry and how it provides flexibility for me to work on my creative outlets. I enjoy not working a 9-5 even if I still suffer from moments of, “Anna, what the hell are you really trying to accomplish here? Grow up already.”
And although I have allowed this flurry to erupt in my mind over and over again- a flurry of doubt, comparison, self-pity, and disbelief over my failures these past few months- I can honestly say that I am actively choosing to slide these doubts onto a bookshelf of nothingness. Because, these doubts describe nothing about who I am.
I am Anna. I am me. Everything about me is perfect because I am whole and complete as I am.
Sure, maybe I forgot an engagement or did not respond to a dear friend’s text message right away- but these isolated incidents bear no weight on who I am or what I am about. I get to choose. I am not a victim of my actions nor am I defined by the choices I make in a day. I must never forget that the moment my head arises from the pillow in the morning, I have descended upon a precious new day and upon a new way of being. I am not “Anna who forgets,” or “Anna who is a bad friend,” or even, “Anna who can never commit.” I am Anna- Anna with a new possibility of being.
In this energy of being, I am free to create a new existence for myself in every moment. I am the one who chooses my future and my path. And along with that, nothing that is proclaimed by another human about who I am is truth. I am allowed to let go of the worries concerning another person’s thoughts, feelings, interests, and judgment of me which, at times, is much easier said than done.
However, I can not begin to expand upon the power captured in small doses during the moments that I have chosen to cast aside my worries concerning another person’s opinion of me. When the preoccupation of being right verses being wrong is emptied to the last drop, there is freedom within my being and within my relationships. And yea, I have repeatedly mistaken my opinions for truths over and over again; I told myself that this guy will never understand me or, this friend is absolutely wrong but has no idea. Yet, at the end of the day, they, like me, were neither right nor wrong. They were them and I was me. And once everything boils down to these purest of elements, all that is left is a choice,
“To be, or not to be?”
How will I answer the question?